Birthday--?

Its 13th September 2021, Monday. Its my birthday! I am 29. Well, all these years I thought I won't be sharing a single of my insecurity anywhere ever. But now I guess this has to come out before it kills me like anything. May be one day if anybody reads they can understand. I wish!!

Well for the past 6-7 years my birthdays are nothing but shockers for my parents. As their daughter is not getting married and is an year older to her death.! well, I would say that I am living inside a pressure cooker that may blow any day. I wont blame my parents as I understand the pressure they are in.

But the problem, In reality , I guess is , I have a heart that care too much for them that I am unable to convince them about what I really want in my life or else is it because I didn't realize it myself? Anyway, i don't really know!!

The problem is, I admit I am commitment phobic. The idea of marriage is scaring me to death. I have really really thought of running away or killing myself just to escape from all the drama surrounding the horrible process of match making. I convinced myself at some point that , may be if I face all these things bravely, then may be I can overcome my fear for this, which I did. I had seen may be 7+ guys already as a result of all these facing the fear thing.

Now let me confess , I am tired and I am not ready for anything ! I am even more scared of the duties that gonna be on my shoulders. I mean , I am already having plenty , and a marriage is gonna put some extra tonnes on my shoulders which I cant really bear right now. Everything about it makes me scared to my death and I don't really have anybody to assure me that it will be good. May be I am overthinking. But the reality is the fear is real and now I pity myself not finding a guy back in college which would have made this much easier.

Now that I am in stage that I don't want to get married. Largely because I am afraid and also I love my current life so much( Minus the pressure people put on me reminding about my age and the stuff)

I understand why people always urge us to have a family. If your parents die, nobody gonna be there for you. I totally get it. Its always good to be loved. I agree. But I cant picture myself in that life right now and my head is exploding.

I think I will disappoint the guy who is going to marry me. Largely because , I don't know! am I selfish?? yeah may be. I think from my side only and I don't want a guy to suffer because of these problems and the irrational fears I am having. I feel that I am gonna make that person's life horrible because of my own behavior and fears. Also I don't want to make his life a hell with the baggage I am carrying. But for all the unfortunate reasons , I can't convince my parents about this. Mother wont understand and father, I don't know, what is the problem!

I need to tell this also. Over the past 1 year I had a slight change in my thought process. Before that I had always dreamed about a successful career and making it big to another level. Now all I want is a permanent job with a decent salary and a debt free peaceful life. I don't want to make it to something big. An ordinary will be okay for me. But I need to work and I should be "allowed" to do what I love. ( which i can't still compromise and I still don't understand the idea of "allowing")

Call me a girl having so much pride in herself, I don't care! but I can't imagine myself asking for money to at-least get my daily needs fulfilled and it kills the woman in me even more if I have to ask money to look after my parents. Basically I have a lot of things to do with my little fortune that I am afraid that a marriage will compromise that. Another person, whom you never know in your life before , is going to have a say in all those things, is scaring me.

Marriage is a huge and brave decision and I salute the people who take up that huge responsibility . But here I am !!thinking- why should we take such huge risk when you can actually stay single!! I am happy being single and I don't see any perks getting married.

But, But... a part of me wants a partner so that when my parents die , he can visit their graves and pray for them( which I can do from my home also) but, there are certain such things would be easy , if you have a partner . Thinking in that point there might be something good! 

But the end of the story is -- I am Afraid!